You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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