you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
