so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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