goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
