I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
