she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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