I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
