Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
