I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
