happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
