new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
