if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
