You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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