he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
