you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
