You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
