Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
