I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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