I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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