The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
