Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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