he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
