I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
