Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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