I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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