No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
