Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
