we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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