This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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