Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
