a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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