When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
