Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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