I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
