I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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