i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
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It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
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i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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