i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
