He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
