Are we in a gay sports bar?
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
