watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I feel like abortions should bother me more
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
