If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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