i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
