I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
