In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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