it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
