Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
