you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
