I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
