I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
