I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I fill condoms, not promises.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Randomize
