I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
