I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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