I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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