Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
false alarm, still single
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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