my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
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I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
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What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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