i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
