Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
